Recently I’ve been asked quite a few times “Do you think you’ll try for a girl?”. I’ve thought a lot about this question and decided to address it here in this forum.
Not many people know this, but for the longest time, Chris and I didn’t think we’d ever have a child, let alone be blessed with two. I kept this “secret” for the longest time, but I feel comfortable now telling it. It took Chris and I 2.5 years to conceive Henry. Again, for a long time, I felt ashamed of this, like something was wrong with me. I had always wanted children and had always thought it would happen quickly and easily. Then the months started trickling by and I started panicking and sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed state. It was a pretty dark time for us. Every month I would hold my breath only to be disappointed constantly. It didn’t help that after I stopped taking birth control pills, my whole reproductive system went crazy. I could go months without a period and would always think I was possibly pregnant but never was. I had zero control over the situation and for those who know me, I am a control freak. I would troll internet forums and try various combinations of vitamins, aids, etc and nothing.
Of course, it didn’t help during this time that everyone and their sisters (including mine and Chris’) were getting pregnant. Seeing people close to me experiencing pregnancy and then becoming parents was very difficult. A year into trying we went to a fertility specialist who wasn’t incredibly helpful. Again, I wanted results, I wanted a baby now, my whole body and soul was aching for a baby, so being told by the specialist that it could take longer for those who have PCOS (which I found out I had) was incredibly frustrating. I started working out like crazy after seeing the specialist since I heard it could kickstart your reproductive system. Also, a good friend of mine recommended I read a book called “Taking Charge Of Your Fertility” and it opened up a whole new world for me. I read it in a day and learned that I had not ovulated at all in the past year. The working out eventually did help kick start my reproductive system and thanks to the book I was able to chart my cycle, but still nothing was happening. I wanted that baby!
Not many people knew we were going through this. Only close family and a handful of my friends were aware of what we were going through. I formed a almost secret club with coworkers going through the same issue, they were my lifeline, my support. It felt so good being able to talk to people going through the same thing. But again, it was all on the down low. Infertility is such a taboo subject. No one wants to talk about it or even think that it’s something that could happen to them. People would always ask me “when are you going to try for a baby?” It became easier lying and telling people that we weren’t ready rather than admit that we have been trying forever and get that sad pitying look from people. I created this elaborate lie that I wanted to go on temporary duty overseas before having a child.
When I was eventually offered a TD overseas, I panicked. I was excited to go, but also worried that the pressure would be on when I returned from all these people who I had told I was waiting to have kids. Well, I went to Haiti for a month and fell in love with the country and came back wanting to adopt a child from there. I had come to terms with the fact that adoption might be our only option. As you all know, within 7 days of returning home, I was pregnant. It was an absolute shock. I feel like I can only attribute it to Chris and I being apart for a month. Kind of like how when soldiers come back from a war and all of a sudden there’s a surge in pregnancies. For those first 12 weeks I was a nervous wreck, convinced that something bad would happen. When Henry was born, he was perfect. Just perfect. We were so blessed with his presence.
When Henry turned a year old, Chris and I had a serious discussion about us having another child. I had always wanted many children. Chris and I agreed to try for a second but that if it didn’t work out, we would be grateful and happy to have Henry. We both anticipated that getting pregnant would be a long process again, or impossible. We didn’t know. 5 months later, I was pregnant again with Freddy.
So when people ask me if I want to try for a girl, I get a little upset. My two little boys are perfect to me. We almost didn’t have them, so I’m just so grateful for what we have. I love them so much…
And if I can give some advice to people out there, don’t push and ask married people constantly if they’re going to have children soon. They may have been trying for a long time and every time they’re asked that question, their heart breaks a little. And to those who have been trying without success, you’re not alone out there. I shouldn’t have kept this a secret for so long, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Know that there’s always an option out there, whether it be drugs, in vitro, adoption, etc. If you feel you’re going down that black hole of desperation and depression about your conceiving woes, feel free to talk to me about it. I know all about the ups and downs of trying to conceive.