Well I don’t have much time left with this pregnancy. It seems to be creeping up faster and faster. It’s just starting to dawn on me that I’m about to have a second child and I’m panicking a little. I haven’t done half of what I did in preparation for Henry. With Henry I was scouring pregnancy books, first year books, nursing books, sleeping books, everything! I barely cracked open my “week by week pregnancy” book this time around. I get a weekly email from a website telling me how big the baby is and I’ll read it, but then I don’t obsess over it like I used to with Henry. I kind of feel guilty about it a bit. I had hoped to savour this pregnancy, enjoy every moment, but life with a toddler kind of got in the way. Now with a little less than 8 weeks left (earlier if he’s anything like his big brother), I’m having these anxiety pangs like “how do I support his head?” “how the heck did I nurse again?”
My umbilical chord fear is back in full force. I had no idea how to care for it last time, I kept trying to but I was so terrified of hurting Henry and when it came off 4 days after he was born (when all the books I had read said 7 days) I totally freaked out thinking I had hurt him somehow. I’m also scared about how I’ll function with no sleep. It took a year for Henry to sleep his full nights and now we’ve been on full nights for a year again and I don’t know how I’ll handle going back to every few hours being awake, especially since I have to wake up with Henry in the morning anyways.
Let’s see here, other fears I have…
1- worrying about Henry feeling pushed aside while I care for the baby
2- worrying about the baby not getting the same level of attention Henry got when he was a baby
3- worrying about dropping off Henry at daycare in the morning. Do I bring the baby in with me? Will he freak out that I’m leaving with the baby and not him after drop off?
4- worrying about the 2 days a week I’ll be keeping Henry home. What am I going to do with him where I can drag a baby along as well? Will he be bored?
5- worrying about when Chris goes back to work after being home for 4 weeks. Will the same level of help be offered for a second child as it was for the first?
And that’s not even counting the actual labour fears I have. Like “will I make it to the hospital in time?” “god I hope I can find care for Henry in time if labour is very quick. Not sure I want him to see me in that kind of pain, I worry I’ll scare him”, “will I have time for an epidural again? I almost didn’t have time last time”. And it’s funny, after Henry was born, I forgot about the pain of labour almost instantly. Now things are starting to come back and I’m a little scared again.
I know I can do this, I’ve done it before. I just kind of wish I had taken the time to prepare a bit more.